twenty eighteen = eleven

The following was originally posted on Facebook and reposted here, as is: 

FB feels like the proper forum for such announcements (disclamer, I feel a long autobiographical stream of consciousness statement about to happen, so expect poor grammar *wink*): As some of you are aware, the past few years in Portland have been both difficult and transformative for me. Somewhat like a microcosm of my entire life before pdx. As a young girl, I was so vibrant, I "laughed too much" my peers would say - and I had no problem looking at them like they were the weird ones. Then something changed and I became so self-conscious that I began to doubt my own self worth without even recognizing it. I became paranoid with an incredible lack of self worth. I needed a community, so I did what I thought I had to do to obtain one, minimize myself (subconsciously of course). I became somewhat aware of this as an early teen when someone told me point blank that I was a follower and decided in that moment to embark on a trek to change that, right before going into a school system that was extremely toxic for me. So as you might imagine, it was a relatively slow trek. I'd no idea why I was treated the way I was, but I started to get an inkling because of the way I was treated in high school by mainly my IB peers and certain actions/comments made about my intelligence including why I was accepted to Pomona College. I was determined to prove them wrong and prove my intelligence. I tried to ignore that BS as I moved onto college, but ignoring it only meant more internalization, really. Nonetheless, by my senior year, I'd finally been accepted by a group of my peers for just being myself. I'd never felt that way before, not even by my own family whom I'd considered my everything as a child. So I finally got a taste of what it meant to be a part of a community of folks who  actually wanted me to be a part of their community. It was a transformative experience for my self-esteem. It wasn't until I was 28 that a good friend of mine defined my whole childhood and adolescence for me: internalized oppression. Everything clicked. Yep, definitely. But you see, I still didn't really subjectify my experience, I wasn't ready yet, apparently. I had objectified my entire life in order to understand it, like watching a movie, although it happened to me, it didn't happen in me. I went on to finish my MA degree. By this time in my life, I was so bent on understanding the human condition, specifically the evolution of human consciousness, that I spent nearly all of my free time during my 20s investigating and researching this subject. My spirituality grew and I was finally content as a human being. It became easier for me to live on this planet because it was easier for me to leave it and sort of float above it, so to speak. Unfortunately, this made it even easier for me to objectify, aka. not subjectify, my own life experience in my physical body. So when I was made aware of my internalized oppression and how it was invisibly dictating my life, I decided that it was time to ground myself. However, I was distracted from it for another couple years while I was focusing on my MA degree and travelling. Then I got back to Portland and had to, yet again, enter the "real world". I started with a typical roommate situation and job at the City...super normal. Then, this job listing came up: Educational Equity Program Manager...hmmmm.....right up my ally....that was 2.5 years ago and I can say with honesty that it is not without it's trials and tribulations, but also that it is the best job that I've ever had. It woke me up. It grounded me in my own body and in this body's history. And I was finally able to subjectify my experience. And it was incredibly difficult and painful. I believe I may have scared off much of my community in the process, which added another layer of pain to my process. Realizing that I'd actually never in my life really been part of a community of people who I could speak freely to about my experience, whose experience I could actually relate to at a subjective level. And that never in my life had I given myself the grace to understand my own positionality in this world and how that can impact my journey through life, especially if I am unaware or ignorant of it and not grounded. Also, there is always an element of the unknown as well in that I cannot know for sure what someone else is thinking of me, or why I'm consistently stared at by strangers whether locally or globally. And because I let my internalized oppression run rampant, I consistently concluded the same reasons for this occurrence. But I have written all of this, publicly, to say that I am ready to let go of that need-to-know-why. I don't need to know, actually, at all. That is for those folks to know and figure out, not me. That's not to say that I'm done with my process and that I will never internalize again, for it is such an unconscious pattern of mine, that I am sure I have more work to do, and that is mine, I own it. And I will continue to be vulnerable and have humility in this process, and, when necessary, make known my insecurities. And I have many insecurities, especially where my relationships are concerned. That is all that I have ever wanted in this life, holistic relationships, community, acceptance, belonging. I have a feeling that is what most of us desire. I have a feeling that if on our death bed, we have accomplished this, then we will die as happy as can be. But I can only speak for myself really and I have a strong sense of knowing that is the case for me. Through this process,  especially more recently, I have ostracized myself and I have ostracized others and that is the antithesis of my overall goal in life, which is that everyone feels accepted and a deep sense of belonging in my presence, including myself of course. I am incredibly grateful to  e v e r y o n e  who has aided me in this journey, if you know me at all (so anyone reading this), you are one of those people. And I am grateful for you in my life, regardless of the nature of our encounter, whether stranger, acquaintance, friend, family or foe, you have been an important part of my life and will continue to be. You may not realize it, but you've been instructive in my coming to this point in my life, to this realization, to this liberation. I dedicate my spiritual growth to you, for these lessons will last long after this lifetime. I love you, every one of you. I am going to be more "selfish" moving forward, so that I can be more "selfless" (or rather, self-full) in my relationships with myself, with you all, and with everyone else. Authentic, I believe is the buzzword being used currently ;) I've never been a very popular person, maybe just in my eyes, nonetheless, I understand why, because I've rarely been authentic, they are always the popular ones, if you think about it, effortlessly so it would seem. Granted, it's not necessarily my desire to be "popular" - but indeed, it's only when I've been more authentic do I develop more meaningful and close relationships. My current partnership is a perfect case in point. And that is why it is helpful to know and understand my own experience, my own positionality in this world, my own context; of course in relation to the global social context as well as the universal context. And it's worth it to say, that I love myself as well. For getting through this, for doing the work, for facing myself and letting it bare, even though it is painful, it is equally liberating. So we are in an eleven year (2+0+1+8 = 11), the number of spiritual growth, awakening and ascendence. And I am ready for it. Happy New Year, may your 2018 be filled with an appropriate amount of challenge/growth that suit your needs/desires/dreams, and of course, all the love <3